The CALL came....

I have been, as well as my entire family, an absolute nervous wreck, not being able to sleep, eat, praying every moment possible that God won’t take me away from my husband and daughter, mother, uncles & aunts yet, paralyzed with fear, waiting for results of my scans. I accomplished absolutely nothing just sitting waiting for the phone to ring with news one way or the other. With that, comes added guilt that my daughter is on spring break, and I’ve done NOTHING with her but sit around with the deer in the headlight look worrying. Not even a walk around the block... I feel like a horrible mother.

Thinking “no news is good news” then bouncing to “I must be riddled with cancer in the organs or bones, they don’t know how to break the news to me and over the phone no less….” Depending on how the bone scan came back would put the kabosh on chemo & radiation. Seems like it would be more of a “management” type plan in that case rather then a destroy the cancer with chemo thing.

The call finally came this morning.

The many many many prayers you’ve all said & I’ve said & everyone else said… PAID OFF! The major organ scan & bone scan came back negative. A GOOD NEGATIVE. I think I’m gonna pee in my pants. Oh our God, I cannot tell you how thankful and relieved I am (even though it is in my blood stream) to remain at a stage III cancer and not have bumped up to a stage 4 !

THANK YOU - THANK YOU - THANK YOU - TO EVERYONE PRAYING FOR US!!!!!

We are over that hurdle. Now we need maintenance prayers that the Chemo/Radiation & other medications takes care of the cancer that is still there. All the sickness Chemo will bring is such a small price to pay, for more time here on earth with those I love so much.

Thank you everyone! I feel like I could run a marathon right now. I’m so high on this shred of good news. (in a normal healthy state I’d never in my wildest dreams consider a marathon, but even though I'm sleep deprived, I'm so jacked up with energy, I could now.) I think mom is gonna faint. I hope Bobby (hubby) can drive home with out a wreck. Good news has been extremely limited around here & what little bit we get seems to be such a huge triumph; it brings on the shakes & tears of joy. I've been re-mobilized. I need to do something fun with my family. And today, I feel I can certinly accomplish that!

More News

I only spoke with Carol through text message today and even that is heart breaking. 26 of the 30 lymph nodes that were removed showed stage 3 cancer. There will be a six month treatment of chemo, once a week.

Carol will be undergoing an entire body scan on Monday, March 24th, each and everyone of you reading this blog.. pray..pray hard, pray often.

I love you little jilly bean

Setting the record....

First let me say this, I have no intentions of whining about what is happening. I’m just explaining what is happening because there are so many out there praying for me and my family, and they want to know what is actually going on. In fact... Through out this entire thing, I have NEVER ONCE asked “WHY ME”. Instead, I’ve been praying my butt off that I, and anyone around me, is learning exactly what I (we) are supposed to be learning.

God doesn’t “punish” us. He forces us to learn what we need to learn. Just like a mom has to let her toddler learn to walk. That toddler will fall many times before being able to do it well on her own. But mom stands there with her arms near that toddler in case she falls, so the fall won’t hurt quite as much. But the fall has to happen, till you learn. Sometimes God has to let us fall down and scrape our knees to learn a lesson. But he is right there to pick us up when we need support.

How it Unfolded

I knew at the end of Summer ’07 “something wasn’t right”. You know, sometimes you can just FEEL it. Anyhow, I made an appointment with my doctor for a routine exam & informed her of my newer ‘problems’. I needed further examination. I waited till the first of the new year because something told me this would be BIG and we were getting MUCH better insurance the 1st of the year. Couple days before my “basement surgery” in January ’08, I had my mammogram at the same time as my blood tests for surgery. The very next day while healing from my surgery, I receive a certified letter from the hospital that my mammogram had issues. (I’m not surprised. That was really the reason I wanted that appointment in the first place.) So back I went for a Needle Core Biopsy. One of the worst procedures I’ve ever had (and I’ve had my share of needle pokes and surgeries). I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy (Actually, I hope I don’t have any of those). They just kept telling me, “I know it’s uncomfortable, just hang in there”. Uncomfortable my ass. Later, I’d find out WHY it was so horrible….. For one, it felt like they were sucking all the veins out of my arm, back and chest through their quite large needle. I’m not sure what 10 gauge is, but it sure looked awful big to be sticking in someone that was awake. Later I discovered, it sent me through the roof because, they had traveled with the needle and suction way beyond the area they numbed. This was cold turkey surgery. I didn’t get any whisky or leather to bite on! (I know this because I later had another one done elsewhere and didn’t feel much. Because they kept NUMBING THE TISSUE deeper and deeper as far as they needed to get.) So if you or anyone you know needs to have a core biopsy, tell them, it's YOUR BODY! TELL THEM TO STOP and NUMB IT DEEPER if you are feeling it!

In any event, my doctor called me and said “you have nothing to worry about. It’s only PRE cancer. NOT cancer. Come in next week.” Next week I go in and she tells me, make an appointment with this surgeon and she’ll just remove the rest of that spot that the biopsy didn’t get. Hmmmm - So I get a copy of my pathology report and take it home. I start researching the terminology on it. Especially the second page, of which the secretary never gave to the doctor … and found out… this isn’t PRE cancer. This IS CANCER. And the worst of this kind as far as grade and aggressiveness. After one mess up after another from the secretary / hospital etc… I decided to go to the best hospital I could.

Where, they moved at quite the pace to figure out exactly what is going on. Yes, it is breast cancer. Ductal Carcinoma In Situ = DCIS. High Grade Carcinoma / Comedo type. And guess what else? It’s all over the lymph nodes too. Had my surgery to remove the DCIS and she took out the lymph nodes under my arm. They don’t look good.
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Which brings us to today. I’m still sitting here with a drainage tube. I’m not sure if the pain is getting any less, or if I’m getting used to it.

Oh, and I failed to mention, my husband’s place of business is shutting down. He’s out of a job and we’ll be out of insurance quite soon. The office seems to still all be in tact…. Funny, along comes the good insurance after all these years of crappy insurance… and now we only get 4 months to use it. That seems a bit premeditated. Or is it just me? Yes, COBRA is a great policy, but when you struggle as it is, can barely pay your mortgage (when you are half DONE paying it off) $1,500 a month for family insurance coverage, really isn’t much of a possibility.

Through all of this, the hospital I’m traveling to has been absolutely fantastic. They are moving fast as possible to get me where I need to be, before the shit hits the fan in our wallets.

And I keep thinking, had I not gone to this other hospital… the one near my home would have taken out the rest of the first tumor. Never seeing everything else going on in my body. I could have passed on by this summer.

Considering my first doctor said “ONLY pre-cancer” and nothing to worry about in the first doctor's eyes, Perhaps I should look into my “over active cells” comment my initial doctor made about my basement surgery pathology report in January. . Wonder how many pages were missing from that report…..


Research Hospitals and ALWAYS get a second opinion!!!
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I WANT MY MOMMY

I don't know HOW we could get through this without my mother.
She has been, my chauffeur to all my appointments, our house keeper, shopper, our cook, my "Alice", my confidant, my rock. I can't be thankful enough. I (we) are so very lucky and blessed to have her here! She has got to be more tired and drained then I am.
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Thanks mom!
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3/18/08 – 4:15 pm
Hoping to get this tube out Thursday 3/21, My daughter is coming with. She is eager to be involved and see where Mom has been going all this time. I think that is pretty brave of her! I know hubby Bobby wants to be there too, but circumstances just don’t allow that right now.

Monday 3/24 will be frightening. I’ll be going in for a full body CaT Scan & a separate bone scan. See if it is elsewhere. (Dear God I so hope not). I also talk to the Oncologist for the first time, which I am petrified of. This visit I believe we will be discussing the 6 months of aggressive Chemo, followed by daily radiation, then 5 years of pills… all depending….