today's thought

I'm thankful for: My mom. Everything she's done for me & everything she continues to do for me and my family.

What I hate today: I don't know how I could ever repay her. (I know she'd say I don't need to because I'm her daughter.)

today's thought

What I hate today: Cancer.

What I’m thankful for today: Even if my husband doesn’t find me attractive, he at least acts like he does.

I’m not as strong as you may think

But I really do appreciate the encouragement!

We’ve all seen the silly old 70's or 80's chick flick movie where the woman breaks down and sobs uncontrollably in the shower. I used to think that chick blubbering in the shower was a bit over the edge and overreacting, but now, I can identify with that woman. You want to be strong for people around you and your family. And damn it all if the only place you can be alone for 5 minutes and break down is the bathroom. And not always that long. There are days, I have a break down and sob uncontrollably. Snot running and all. In the shower (which is a good place because it actually hides the fact that you've got snot running) Or even sitting on the toilet (without the benefit of snot hiding, so a tissue is required).

I try to stay away from the doom & gloom on the blog. Which in all reality may tick off other cancer patients. And I’m sorry for that. But I’m just like the rest of you “survivors”. The reality of it is, I have days when all I think of is, I’m not going to make it. What happens to my family if I don’t? The odds aren’t that high that I’ll make it. My cancer is a serious, aggressive, fast spreading mutating cancer. Then I try to talk myself into, Yes, I CAN be one of those 23% or 40% or 8%. What ever percentage a research shows. Then I think, well, those percentages were the ones with stage I or II or low grade, while I have Invasive carcinoma, cribriform type, metastatic High Grade Stage III with extranodal extension (-30 nodes). And it’s really hard to feel otherwise when you feel so horrible. With odd pains you can’t even describe… to anyone. Regular daily or even sharp pain is non existent and replaced by, I don’t know what the hell this is. It’s almost a burn or a sting, but not quite. It just FEELS like a dead chunk of something. Dead cells, dead muscles or innards TRYING to function, but not quite up to the challenge. You don’t understand them and it scares you even more. You almost give up. I almost give up.

Then, a day comes when I feel a little better. And I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps and tell myself… ok enough. I CAN fight this. I’m not ready to go yet (though I know it’s a great place I’ll go to & I will come back and haunt (or talk to) you!) I’m not ready yet. I’m not done here.

I have some more learning to do.

I have some more teaching to do.
I have some more bitching to do.

And damn it. I want to do it. I want to do it right. Do it right & at a slow pace. I need more time for that. Damn it. I will claim that time I need. Or WANT.

The days when I shake my head at the research data and say to them "your research is screwed up or off" or "I’m different" may be farther between then they should be; But I do have those days when I’m SURE I’ll be one of the lucky ones to change those statistic percentages for the better.

Not sure if that makes me a “positive attitude” person or a person “in complete denial”.

yesterday's minor surgery

I didn’t have to spend the night in the hospital. It seems the vein had collapsed & clotted, but they were able to do Angioplasty and remove the clot. Though I have to say, fear creeps in when I feel the same old feeling of pain in that same area. I’m trying to stay positive.

And no, I didn’t have a gusher & spurt all over (not while I was coherent anyway) but I did ooze quite a bit afterward out of the dressing…. Ick.

○ Anyone else have angioplasty?
○ Did it go well with no further surgeries needed?
○ or did you have to go back for a stint?
○ or anything else?
○ Redi Whip?

Speaking or Redi Whip....
the male nurse was telling me how different people act differently on the injection he gave me... some fight it & stay awake, some fall asleep, some jibber jabber & while he may repeat parts of what he hears, he NEVER reveils the source. He did tell me one funny story. (which I'd love to repeat, but it isn't mine to tell) But it didn't occur to me till I was on my way home, holy crap, was he trying to tell me I felt care free and maybe said something I shouldn't have?!?!
((maybe that story IS MINE to tell?!?!))

Hell No, It Won't Go

Clot does not seem to have improved. It is blocking totally. Located in the right sub clavicle artery. Tomorrow (Tuesday) I go in and they will try to remove at least some of the blockage so there is some kind of flow. Currently there is “no flow” at all. I imagine having a flow would be better for my treatments……

I swear. I do way too much research.
Upon searching for a picture of the sub clavicle (so we can have a better understanding of why my whole arm is swollen) I found some very interesting information pertaining directly to me. Finding this information makes certain symptoms I had a few weeks ago VERY clear to me. And pretty much ticks me off. Why didn't the doctor pick up on it? I know they can’t know everything all the time. But if you only deal with chemo through ports etc, in this particular artery, which is quite normal, then the symptom of marbles under the arm pit and growing larger causing discomfort and pain, should be a clear sign something is wrong. At least one would think so. I had and reported that symptom before my arm swelled & they found the clot…..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(( the following is from www.biosbcc.net/doohan/sample/htm/COandMAPhtm.htm))


"Lymphatic capillaries converge to form lymph vessels that ultimately return lymph fluid back to the circulatory system via the subclavian vein. The presence of one-way valves in the lymph vessels ensures unidirectional flow of lymph fluid toward the subclavian vein.
If excess fluid cannot be returned to the blood stream then interstitial fluid builds up, leading to swelling of the tissues with fluid, this is called edema."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So… I imagine my lymph nodes were backing up before the arm swelling began. And this could mean I now have lymph-edema in BOTH arms now?

I’m thinking I’m glad I switched doctors last week. This one is taking more aggressive action.

With this picture, you can see the sub clav artery (#11) supplies quite a bit to the arm & it makes sense why it is so swollen.....

http://www.shambles.net/schoolnet/countryreports/myanmar/ict_lessons/science/G-6%20Body%20System/web/cir-e5_files/Cardio.htm

In any event, I go in Tuesday morning. See how much they can get hopefully without my now thined out blood spirting around too much.

Pulled the line

They didn't bother with a scan. They could tell I'm all clotted up. It would seem there are more then we'd like to see. Some in legs too. They pulled the picc line. We are now working on a last resort for the remaining 3 treatments. Insert a short picc line at hospital, get treatment, pull line right away. Now, they just have to figure out WHERE they can get one in. I don't want to even say where the suggestions are and jinx it going in those areas.
I'm just gonna pray they can still use the arm without any further complications.
Going back again today....

Damn it more problems

PICC line problem.....
Swelling began again Saturday & getting progressively worse. I'm going in now to be assessed & they will be doing a scan to check for more clots. Apparently, the clots are occurring because of chemo, and the cumadin (warfarin) doesn't seem to be working for me. ProTime & INR Numbers (blood thinning) haven't stayed stable. The line may have to be pulled out. Last resort will be to have a short line installed day of treatment at a hospital, have treatment & line get pulled out right away. For each remaining treatment (3 more). Possibly, daily stomach shots till God only knows when.
More prayers.
Please.