wrong cat

I did have a 4 phase ct scan. The doctor reported everything looked good. Which was great news until, I brought up the fact that, they reported on the WRONG THINGS! They talked about the jugular instead of the subclavical looking for clots, the oncologist concurred and went to check it out himself. They didn’t mention the node in the right lung, or pick up on the microcalcifications in the left lung which I’d think should actually still be there since it wasn’t removed & it’s a “waste” like product of rapidly growing & dying cells…. I did get a call that there doesn't appear to be a clot in the subclavical. Which is good. I have yet to ask the doctor to check on the lungs issue (again cos I didn't get an anwer). It just doesn’t seem they were as thorough as they should be. Perhaps it was because it was on a Friday and the tech just wanted to get the heck home for the weekend? But that sure as hell doesn't help me or my doctors now does it.

What Smells or things literally make you sick?

It is really odd how a smell, certain consistency or a thing can trigger strange reactions and often affect us without us realizing it right away.

When I was a young whipper snapper, there was a night I clearly remember when I was sick. Full blown throwy uppy –heaving every 20 minutes kinda sick. In between the horking, I would lay down on the couch. My mother had the, get up to turn the dial, before VCRs, only 7 choices of stations, tv on and it was tuned into the movie Hello Dolly, it may have been the first time it was on tv.

A couple years later, Hello Dolly was on again. And I’m sorry Barbara, but soon as I saw it, I instantly got up, ran down the hall with my hand covering my mouth in case I didn’t make it to the bathroom, and uncontrollably blew it all. I didn’t realize that movie was a trigger until it happened a 3^rd time. That sick feeling of viewing that movie stuck with me into my 20’s ever since that first memory of seeing it. I’m over it now. I think.
I guess I really can’t be sure. When I run across it now, I change channels with my remote control to any of the other now 200 channels.

I’ve always been a good hand washer. But going through chemo treatments I diligently and obsessively washed my hands my hands near raw for fear of slipping and making myself sick - er. Halfway through, I found a soap that just smelled divine. Lavender. Quite refreshing. This past week has found me feeling progressively better then I’ve felt in over 6 months. Yesterday, I washed my hands with the lavender scented soap. I began to have a recall moment and developed that tin-y chemical taste in my mouth. I notice a few minutes later, my stomach didn’t feel so hot either. A couple of hours goes by and Sarah washes her hands with the same soap….. I immediately had that taste and stomach thing start again. Then I realized, I now absolutely and passionately hate that smell. I had to ask her to instantly dump that crap out before I blow.

I had a problem with lima beans too.

My daughter’s downfall was hotdogs and “slimy” fat noodles with chicken a-la-king (she was good if it was rice). She’s over it now, but that took about 4
years. When we’d go shopping and she got mad at me she’d start repeating, “lima beans, lima beans, lima beans, lima beans”. I’d fire back “hotdogs, hotdogs” and “slimy fat noodles with chicken a-la-king”. We’d both start
getting queasy then silently finish our shopping and get the heck out of the
store. .

I would love it if you’d share any stories you have where a thing or smell affects you in a strange way. (IceAngel, I’ll be willing to bet you have a couple!)

What I’m learning---- From so many people….

So many family & friends praying & have my back ….

and So many strangers out there praying for me….

I carry a tremendous amount of guilt. Guilt of all the people that have sent me well wishes, prayers, cards, gift cards, food… Where the hell was I when YOU were going through a real rough time?

I always prayed for you. Always. But I never told you I was. And I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU. I know now the difference it could have made. You knowing I cared about you. I have learned a great lesson from you. I am thankful for that.

I still get cards & prayer cards, and I still cry each and every time I read them. Part from reality hitting again, but mostly knowing that 8 months later, you have not forgotten me, still care, and still pray. When I feel low or alone, I turn to those cards, re-read them and remember you are there for me. And yes, I cry all over again.

To the people that don’t know me, but are praying for me…

You have humbled me further.

(I’m still scared, so please don’t stop.)

Some want to talk but some just clam up

I hope this doesn’t come off as a harsh rant. These are merely the thoughts that run through the heads of some of… “us”. The people that belong to a “club” that no one ever wants to join.

To those calling, leaving messages, I appreciate you so very much! And again, I apologize for not returning your calls.

Some of my own family members are on edge wanting to know what the heck is going on with me that don’t own a computer or have Internet access. Whether you do or do not, please know I’m not avoiding you. Please don’t take it personally, or feel singled out or excluded. You need to understand, I have felt like shit beyond shit for 6 months now, holding my head up for 5 minutes could tire me. At times I didn’t even know what I was saying. I was just not able to communicate successfully. (Think back to a time when you were violently ill.... while you were throwing up, or resting shortly afterward, did you want to talk to anyone in those moments? How about pneumonia? You just wanted to sleep. You didn't have energy to chat.)

And let’s be realistic, there are people out there that ask how you are doing that don’t really want any details at all. Some want you to know they genuinely care. Some are afraid of what they will hear, don’t know how to respond but want to be polite by at least asking. Most legitimately DO want to know. It’s hard for someone on my end sometimes to know just how much information to spew. Essentially, I try to shut it off. However in turn I feel, I have nothing to offer to the conversation when asked “what’s going on?” or “how are things going?”. I feel there has been nothing for me to talk about except what’s going on in my house that I’ve been confined to, only nothing IS going on because I’ve felt like shit and haven’t done anything with anyone. Then there is the, you forget who you’ve told what to. After saying it a couple times, you just don’t feel like repeating it again. The story teller looses the oomph and the story becomes lacking and dreary. So, I have to say, blogging has been a great relief from that.

I’ll try to work on attitude adjustments and better time management now that I’m expecting to start feeling better.

Thanks for listening and being patient with me!

((Now that I'm thinking about it, I am realizing, instead of making excuses from my point of view, there is actually something for me to learn here! Damn))

Alternate Reality hits a Milestone.....

I’ve never been one to get wound up about finding a tumor. (I’ve had plenty removed in my time.) I went with the flow, had it removed; always assumed it would be nothing to worry about. Others around me would get excited and up in arms about it, but I was always the cucumber. Why worry until you have to? When I first found out I had cancer, I actually remained quite cool about it. I wasn’t surprised. Until I learned more detail. The
aggressiveness & severity. The dreaded outcome and odds of something this aggressive. THAT surprised me. I really despise that word. Cancer. There are days when I realize I have it and I really really can’t believe it’s happening to me. It’s much like an alternate reality. I think that word should not be associated with me one bit! Not me or anyone around me. Family or friends. It just doesn’t happen to me. Each time I type “that word” I get queasy. I honestly feel like I might blow chunks.

So, in this alternate reality I’m living, that can’t really be my life, a milestone has been achieved. I made it through 6 rounds of TAC chemotherapy and so far I’m still here. I’m not feeling the greatest, but I can honestly say now, I’ve felt worse. With more shots, my CBC came up to a pretty good level, therefore I ventured out to store (with less fear of catching something) with Sarah for school supplies. I was completely wiped out by the time we got home. I had a CT scan yesterday, 4 testes in all, 2
bottles of berry smoothie barium (yum? Not really, but I’ve tasted worse), 3 shots of dye, which I could hear the squirting sounds as it was being injected, then the hot feeling rushed in. Not unbearable, but it wiped me out. I got home, changed clothes and flopped on the bed. I could have slept through the night even though it was only 4:00 when I let my eyes close.

Of course, I’m nervous what the scan may or may not find. It’s a
vicious circle. If they find something, I’ll be totally crushed. If they don’t, I’ll sit and wonder if there really was something there, but it was missed or too small for them to catch, and then by the time another test is done it will
be too late, it will have grown, and I’ll be crushed. If I had a less severe form of canc…((( choke )))… this disease, maybe I’d be thinking a little differently. Maybe I wouldn’t.

Getting close to the 3 week mark of what would normally be another treatment on tap, but being done with them, I’m looking forward to feeling better with each passing day. I may get knocked down a few pegs near the
end of this month when I get the ovary surgery and start radiation. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. My brain is thirsting to go back to
work. Yet, it gets tired and peters out rapidly still. If I were to try to go back today, someone would probably find me staring blankly into space with in 30 minutes and later my face planted in the keyboard inside and hour. I’m not sure what affect radiation is going to have on energy, concentration, and scheduling of my time. That’s the same bridge that is currently under construction.

Can’t cross it till it’s built.

Last one on tap

It is safe to assume, if I don’t post, I’m not feeling well.
The posts get farther between, because it is taking longer to recoup.

The last treatment on July 2nd not only put a big damper on 4th of July celebration, (mom took Sarah to see fireworks which she truly enjoyed – THANKS MOM!) but left me weaker then I’d ever been. My blood counts dropped like they have been only much faster, sooner & farther down. Pretty much as far as you can go, white blood down to Zero. My blood pressure dropped drastically. The doctor apparently didn’t want to worry me at the time, but when it came back up after a regimen of daily shots he expressed his relief and said how dangerously low it was getting. I could tell it wasn’t right. I couldn’t sit upright for 60 seconds with out the black outs starting with a fish bowl feel then a tunnel vision. Standing was a joke. I’d have to get up, get to the stairs and stop at the top & lay down. Go down the stairs & lay down on the couch at the bottom.

Heading into the next, the 6th, the (hopefully) last chemo treatment this Wednesday, not only is my stomach churning, and I’m having “total recall, memory tastes” (one can actually taste the injections. They are not pleasant and pretty much stick with me for the 3 weeks) I’m scared as well. Pains started coming back. Not pains from treatment side effects, but the same old pains in chest & in the arm where the lymph nodes were removed. I can’t help but wonder if this is all even working… I do try to remember to tell myself it is, but you just can’t help but wonder and be scared. I’m not scared for me. I’m scared for my family.

I’ve not gone to church for weeks (which doesn’t help me feel any better) either being way too tired which hits any moment and fast, or my counts are too low and I fear of catching something from the child that usually is behind us coughing. I defiantly get the guilts from not being there.

I’m feeling very anxious to get the show on the road for the other steps I need to take. I need to get “tumor markers”, I need to get radiation started quickly… I need to get ovaries out, but before I do that, I need to find a new doctor. I just don’t have the faith in my long time ob/gyn. There isn’t much time. Generally, by the time you s tart feeling a little better is when you have to get these other things rolling…

THANK YOU EVERYBODY that's hanging in there with me!!!

Sarah's summer sucks a little less

Thanks again to mom,

Sarah’s summer had a little boost from the normal sitting around in the house doing nothing…. She had horse lessons. Not only did she get to ride, but learned everything you need to do before you get on. Getting them out of the stall, cleaning brushing before and after, how to put on the saddle… way cool. And I think she really enjoyed it. What little girl doesn’t like horses?

Sammy update

After a few trips to the vet (thanks for taking him mom), blood tests, x-rays, and a special diet with a feeding schedule, Sammy is better. We got him through some kind of pancreatitis shock thing, now we have to keep him on a special diet. Sarah and I brought a mattress down to camped out in the front room with him. He was so weak, he could barely walk. Getting upstairs was completely out of the question. We had to bring him his food & water & help him get up to get him outside to pee. He had lots of pills. So did I! I was having one hell of a time trying to keep them straight! I had pills 8 times a day, he had 5 times a day… I was worried I’d take one of his by accident or give him one of mine! Poor guy, one night he just laid there and moaned all night in pain. Finally after near a week, he pooped & we were all hootin’ and hollerin’ & clapping for him. He had a look in his eyes like he thought we were complete idiots, but waged his tail in recognition anyway.

Fear of the Unknown...

Heading into my 5th chemotherapy (tomorrow morning) and my feelings are racing in all different directions. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I have to get that mid picc line again and I know it’s going to hurt, or because just when you start feeling a little better, here comes more poison treatments.

Maybe it’s because of the dream I had 3 months ago that still haunts me. Where I walk into the house as if I just got home from work, but I notice the house is quiet and empty. Sammy (our dog) doesn’t rush to me to greet me like he usually does tail wagging furiously with smiles waiting for a doggie treat… Sarah doesn't come running saying "HI MOM! Guess what happened today?!". Bobby doesn't come down the stairs saying "hey, ma, what's for dinner?"... I’m defiantly alone in the house. I look around and notice all that is in the house is a couple pieces of large furniture. The kitchen table, one couch, the TV upstairs… the tv in the bedroom… everything else is gone. No paperwork, no books, games or videos on the shelves… I think at first, Oh my gosh! We were robbed! But wait. They really cleaned out the place, pile of bills and all, and left the big tv?…. Then it hit me. I was dead. I was a ghost. I didn’t know for how long. And apparently my husband and daughter had to move for what ever reason. Where are they? Did I tell them I loved them? Can I still? What do I do now? And I woke up in a pile of sweat and tears.

Or maybe it was what happened a couple nights ago. I got up, one of the many times I do, in the middle of the night (as I have been for weeks) and went to the bathroom. I passed the mirror, as I always do when I make my way to the toilet, but something caught my eye and I backed up back to the mirror to do a double take. I HAD MY OWN HAIR! It was long as it has always been! I just stood there in shock and disbelief thinking, THANK GOD! Thank you God! It really WAS all just a horrible horrific nightmare! I just sat and stared at myself a while. Tthen I woke up again. I reached for my head. I felt skin instead of hair. I was confused for a moment as to which reality was really real. I was hoping I’d ‘wake up again’, but when I didn’t, I realized, the nightmare is what is actually real reality. Disappointment doesn’t describe it.

Maybe it’s because after this I head into a different world of reality which is unknown to me, of surgery and radiation every day. Maybe it’s because I happened to catch an episode of Desperate Housewives which I haven’t seen in a really long time, and one character is battling cancer. She only gets a few days where she feels ok before all her chemo starts again. (will I have to go through chemo again? Probably.) Her wig slips off, and totally turns her husband off…. I haven’t seen the show for a really long time and don’t know what kind of cancer she has or what her treatments actually are, but it sounded to me like it was a life long chemo treatments. Hmmmmm. Life long. Just HOW long is “life long”?

Maybe it’s because, this is a beautiful summer and so far, I’ve missed it all. My daughter is missing most of it because I usually did something with her every week and now I can’t. I’ve missed outdoor birthday parties and important graduation parties because I can’t be in the sun, I can’t get “warm” because I could start bleeding somewhere from even thinner blood. I can’t be around anyone that just might get sick in the next couple days, because catching anything right now, would be deadly for me. Glad I didn’t have tomatoes for those couple weeks! It was a God send that I didn’t have any on hand, because I usually do! I don’t think I’m supposed to use mosquito spray, because that’s more chemicals, yet, I can’t let my affected lymph node arm get a mosquito bite…

Maybe it’s because I read the blog of a young woman’s battle with cancer. So so young, just married and hopes of children. Her entire marriage she battled cancer. But at the end of her blog are her husband’s words. She passed. He still writes of her and her accomplishments and how much he loves her. Months later it’s hard for him to write because it still stings so. I should be thankful I have a great husband of 15 years (which I was totally down for our anniversary) and we have the most beautiful, compassionate loving child…. But instead I pitty myself because I don’t want to lose what I have. And I spend so much time worrying & feeling sick, that I’m allowing myself to miss the now.

Then I have thoughts of, was there cancer they saw on the scans but didn’t want to tell me about? Hoping that “positive attitude” & chemo might take care of them like their placebo studies? Was there some they missed? Every day I have strange physical feelings & pains and wonder, is it normal? Is the chemo killing me? Is the cancer growing? Going away? Staying the same? Will those odd pains go away? Will they always be there? When I have my ovaries out, will the hot flashes, night sweats, fatigue, insomnia, go away? Or are those things here to stay? Will the radiation cause an entire host of other problems I’m unaware of? Will we be able to afford treatments in a couple months? In a couple years? If we can't....

Throughout this entire experience with chemotherapy, no two treatments went the same. Each time, something different went wrong, or my body reacted different. 3rd chemo, I actually got near a whole week where I had some energy. Not a lot, but more then I’ve had. This last time I was really looking forward to having at least a week where I felt better and hoped to spend time with Sarah. But it didn’t work that way. I had absolutely no energy. I could force myself to sit up and watch a movie one day, or sit outside (in the shade) for an hour, or start to do dishes (couldn’t finish them) but that would tire me out for the rest of the day.

As I move toward more unknowns, which kind of doctors do I need next? Where do I find them? What will my test results & new scans show? When can I go back to work? I’m becoming more and more frightened. I’m a control freak. And a control freak needs those answers ahead of time. I have no answers. Therefore, I’m totally out of control.

I hope I’m not getting bitter. These are just things that float through my head, and sometimes they come in and out so fast, I really feel like I’m going insane

Yes, yes, I know. Sit, relax. Meditate or do yoga…. It’s really really hard to do that with a daughter & husband home all day and feeling crappy. Although, they just went out now…. And look what I’m sitting here doing.
Perhaps I should put the rest of this time to better use.
Thanks for listening.

Oh hell... (( 8:00 pm ))

Now our faithful, sweet, handsome fella, Sammy is sick. Pretty dang sick. He wouldn’t eat even hamburger, or play with a rock.

He’s become somewhat lethargic, tail way way down, moving super slow when I can get him up, throwing up all over… some runs… drooling like no tomorrow, like shoe strings hanging from his mouth. And he’s not a drooler.

Mom was great, she acted fast & came to take him to the vet right away. Sarah went with so she could comfort hem. They came back with 2 bottles of pills. 2 pills twice a day of one, and the other 3 time a day. Plus pepto bismal 4 times a day. Vet gave him a shot for his fever & antibiotic, said water in small doses but more often. He was drooling, I gave him 5 laps of water. Was about to try to get the first pill down 15 minutes later and Sam barfed more then he drank.
Vet said too early to tell, (he is bloated) could be anything from kidney stone to.... cancer.

Sarah asked me…. “mommy? Is HE gonna die?”

Vet wants to see him back tomorrow. Not Thursday. Tomorrow (when I get my "gone all day" treatment.)

Poor guy can’t tell us what’s wrong. But you can tell, what ever this is, it is hitting him really hard.

This little angel could use some prayers too.