Photo yesterday

Took a couple of photos yesterday at radiation. I have no clue why I'm smiling. It just doesn't seem like a smiling situation, but these technicians are a gentle and fun bunch.

They play music to help entertain you while you're in there by yourself.... You have to hold still, so you can't tap your toe, but you can smile. And HEY, who wouldn't tap or smile when you hear the BeeGee's that you haven't heard in ages?

Rads & Revelation

I have begun radiation. (The hip term on-line is "Rads") 5 days a week for 7 weeks. 7 down - 26 to go. I think today I'll try to get some pictures off for ya'll. You lay on this table similar to what's hiding in the basement of hospitals in the morgue, where you are pulled out & pushed in. Only you don't get locked up behind a door. You get pushed toward an interesting robotic like machine with arms that swirl around you while you are watching a reflection of yourself with a grid of green lazers on your body. Almost like something from "The Matrix"with Keanu Reeves or "War Games" with a young Matthew Broderick. Right when the machine starts making noise a handly red warnnig light goes off and starts flashing, reminding everyone else to get the hell out of there should they have wondered in, I guess.

I’ll be heading into a Lymphedema Clinic as well, which is supposed to be an every day thing too. Yee haw. While all this driving around is a headache and a costly gas guzzler, it is certainly not as bad as chemotherapy. Sure, there are side effects, but at this point, I’m just happy chemo is over.

I did have a revelation the other day….
As I was waiting for my GYN/Surgeon doctor to come to the room for my 2 week follow up to my recent surgery, I realized HOLY COW I need to start shaving my legs again! I haven’t needed to shave my legs in 5 months. That’s certainly all I’ll miss. Of all times to realize it though. At the doctor’s office.

We've all seen the e-mail joke that's about 15 years old of the woman that went to her GYN sporting glitter from the bathroom washcloth.... I'm sure some of you have comments about experiences like this. Lets HEAR 'em!

Visited the Radiation Oncology office again.
Silly me, I thought I’d go in, they’d tattoo me up & I’d start treatment tomorrow.
Doesn’t work that way.
Wednesday, took CT scans using lasers located in 3 different places of the room. They marked me in a couple places for the potential areas of radiation, which is merely the first phase of the “planning process”. A nuclear physicist has to look at the scans etc, make more plans etc…. then I go back and they match me to the scans and the plans. I THINK I get the tattoos then. (yes, just got the call. I go in Monday to confirm markings & get tattooed. Tuesday I begin radiation.)
They call it…. “3D Radiation”
Scary things from radiation…. lowered immune system (again)
Boob swelling, or shrinkage…. I can handle that. But it can also cause lymphedema in my bad arm, and it can cause a condition in which the lungs swell & it acts like pneumonia, but must be treated differently. It can happen right away or 10 YEARS down the line. wow.

She’s Out Ta Get Me

Short version:
My anesthesiologist wants to cause me bodily harm, but at least I woke up from surgery. Surgery went ok. “They’re” gone. I’m walking around. If the chemo didn’t put me through full blown menopause (which I think it did but started reverting) then I will certainly be now. So watch out! I have a license to be double bitchy and nasty if I wanna be. Well maybe not a license, but at least I have a plausible scientific excuse for my “uncontrollable behavior”. How am I feeling? I’ve felt better, but I’ve felt much worse. Itching to get out of the house, yet still lacking energy.

She’s Out Ta Get Me

Long Version:
Made it through surgery, even though the know-it-all anesthesiologist has it in for me. I don’t think it’s just me. I think it could be any cancer patient. Freud may say “she is disgruntled and harboring inner bitterness at anyone with a case of cancer she may perceive as more severe then her own, thereby making herself feel inferior to others. To counteract that, she demonstrates her own power of authority by doing what she wants even if she knows it is incorrect or detrimental to someone else to make herself feel superior.” – She volunteered the information that she decided to stage herself at a stage 3 (because she had 4 lymph nodes removed not just 3…) yet she didn’t take into consideration all the other factors of the staging scale, like the type of cancer, aggressiveness of the cancer, how far from the tumor the cancer spread, if at all (which she said hers didn’t)…. She just decided to stage cancer by herself not giving any consideration that doctors that handle this all the time and know how to follow a chart of staging. So she staged herself. Now, the difference between her and me that I know is, she had 4 nodes out. I had 30. There are approximately 20-30 nodes under the arm. Lymphedema is a huge factor for me. For her, not as much. Basically, I have none left. She is missing 4 and still has some in there that should be able to perform their job (however she IS still at risk). First rule of thumb when lymph nodes are removed = No Blood Pressure or Needles. Ever. (unless you get into like a car accident and rip your other arm off, then it’s ok. And I hope you remembered to put on clean undies like momma always told us.)
All that information, though boring it may have been to read, is important so you can understand why this woman makes me extra upset.so.......... 1st time out with this anesthesiologist, disregarding the pink limb precaution hospital issued bracelet, she absolutely insisted the IV must go in my left arm. Saying, oh well…. It just isn’t working anywhere else, after stabbing my other hand & my foot/ankle 5 times each and not getting anywhere with the IV needle. Everyone else only stabs twice & calls for someone else to try. She says it must go in my bad arm. She promised she would remove the IV soon as the surgery was over. Which she didn’t do. She left it there, never showed up again, and I had to ask the nurse to take it out sooner then when I’m leaving. )A week later, my arm began to swell slightly. Not hugely noticeable but I felt it in my wrist (& when I put my wedding rings on) and in my upper arm, which is quite irritating to the skin. This will never go away. I have “bingo wings” forever. Any other medical personnel when told this story, their eyes bug out of their heads and yell at me “they CAN’T DO that!” and I say, “but she did”. “But she CAN’T”. Everyone seems to know this but her. This time around…. She is prepping me for her part of the surgery, tying me down to the arm rest thingies attached to the operating table. As I feel the tightening, which seemed unusually tight, I look over and see she’s finished putting the BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF on my LEFT ARM – WITH THE BRIGHT NEON PINK WARNING BRACELET clearly on only 12” away! Her back was to me and she was getting ready to turn flip the on switch when I had to tell her loudly “WHOA WOAH WOAH!!!! NOT THAT ARM!!!!! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!” She quietly and matter of fact-ly in an annoyed tone with the little-miss-know-it-all-fashion (which seemed more like a ‘damn you caught me!’ kind of thing) “What? oh, I just noticed that”. DUH!!!!!! That thing inflates like every 5-10 minutes. This is a HUGE mistake which would have had seriously damaging effects. “Oh. I just noticed that.” What the hell? It sounded like a really out of place, unnecessary bad line from a move. As a hospital employee, wouldn’t the first thing you look for is the bracelets placed on the patient as part of YOUR REGULAR Warning PROCEDURE? Make a point to look at the bracelets? It’s obvious when they are on. They are such a bright neon color. Does this stand out?! You CAN’T miss them. It’s a damn good thing I noticed it! Or I’d be looking like this soon.....

She also ordered a shot for me that I’ve never had for a surgery in my life. And I’ve had quite a few surgeries. Something that “makes your mouth dry” said the nurse. I asked if I really actually NEEDED it, I’d never had one before, and I’ve actually been battling a slight dehydration, which I was just finally starting to get over. She said the anesthesiologist ordered it, it dries you up because the anesthetic can make you moist, and quickly gave it to me in my arm… Obviously, no medication actually targets a place like “just your mouth”. Instead, it goes through your entire body. Thus causing not only my mouth to be super dry (and we’re 8 days out now) but my tongue & gums to be super sensitive, plus my insides hurt again like they did only a week after a chemo treatment. And I was FINALLY feeling better. I was really hoping I could hang on to that good feeling for a while before radiation starts (which I’ve been told also has adverse affects on how you feel, not as awful as chemo, but crappy just the same.) But NOoooooo. Thanks-a-lot… Dumb Ass. Damn it.

Thanks for telling ME

I just found out “he” isn’t performing my surgery. He is having an “assistant” there. But the “assistant” is doing the surgery. Which is ok with me I guess. When I visited the doctor last week, I wondered how he’d do with surgery because his fingers, although not bent, seemed swollen with arthritis. However, I’m not happy that he didn’t even attempt to mention to me that he wouldn’t do the surgery. I found out from the pre-surgical admitting nurse! Ya know, I wasn't fond of him 22 years ago, and now I remember why. And the comment while discussing accidently slicing the kidney tube thing or intestine followed by "knock on wood" didn't help me feel any more comfortable.

Hopefully, the assistant who isn't assisting but preforming does a good job.

moving forward - surgery

A week past what could have been another treatment therefore I’ve had the extra week to heal.
I have been feeling better. My sense of taste has improved but my muscles feel like I haven’t used them in years. Which I have. I didn’t make myself bedridden. But that is the nature of the beast. Affecting muscles among other things. My insides still feel… swollen & burning.

I’ll be meeting w/ radiation oncologist August 26th to find out when that will begin.

Surgery is on August 27th . He’s going to try to go in laparoscopicly, but warned if he has trouble, like the parts coming out may be too large, or he is concerned he might accidentally sever a kidney exit tubie thing, or an intestine, he will then slice me open. I am praying he is precise and exceptionally skilled to be able to do it laparoscopicly and I can go home the same day. I just don’t want to spend 1-4 nights in the hospital with my daughter’s substantial separation anxiety. (Add that to her throwy uppy list.)

wrong cat

I did have a 4 phase ct scan. The doctor reported everything looked good. Which was great news until, I brought up the fact that, they reported on the WRONG THINGS! They talked about the jugular instead of the subclavical looking for clots, the oncologist concurred and went to check it out himself. They didn’t mention the node in the right lung, or pick up on the microcalcifications in the left lung which I’d think should actually still be there since it wasn’t removed & it’s a “waste” like product of rapidly growing & dying cells…. I did get a call that there doesn't appear to be a clot in the subclavical. Which is good. I have yet to ask the doctor to check on the lungs issue (again cos I didn't get an anwer). It just doesn’t seem they were as thorough as they should be. Perhaps it was because it was on a Friday and the tech just wanted to get the heck home for the weekend? But that sure as hell doesn't help me or my doctors now does it.

What Smells or things literally make you sick?

It is really odd how a smell, certain consistency or a thing can trigger strange reactions and often affect us without us realizing it right away.

When I was a young whipper snapper, there was a night I clearly remember when I was sick. Full blown throwy uppy –heaving every 20 minutes kinda sick. In between the horking, I would lay down on the couch. My mother had the, get up to turn the dial, before VCRs, only 7 choices of stations, tv on and it was tuned into the movie Hello Dolly, it may have been the first time it was on tv.

A couple years later, Hello Dolly was on again. And I’m sorry Barbara, but soon as I saw it, I instantly got up, ran down the hall with my hand covering my mouth in case I didn’t make it to the bathroom, and uncontrollably blew it all. I didn’t realize that movie was a trigger until it happened a 3^rd time. That sick feeling of viewing that movie stuck with me into my 20’s ever since that first memory of seeing it. I’m over it now. I think.
I guess I really can’t be sure. When I run across it now, I change channels with my remote control to any of the other now 200 channels.

I’ve always been a good hand washer. But going through chemo treatments I diligently and obsessively washed my hands my hands near raw for fear of slipping and making myself sick - er. Halfway through, I found a soap that just smelled divine. Lavender. Quite refreshing. This past week has found me feeling progressively better then I’ve felt in over 6 months. Yesterday, I washed my hands with the lavender scented soap. I began to have a recall moment and developed that tin-y chemical taste in my mouth. I notice a few minutes later, my stomach didn’t feel so hot either. A couple of hours goes by and Sarah washes her hands with the same soap….. I immediately had that taste and stomach thing start again. Then I realized, I now absolutely and passionately hate that smell. I had to ask her to instantly dump that crap out before I blow.

I had a problem with lima beans too.

My daughter’s downfall was hotdogs and “slimy” fat noodles with chicken a-la-king (she was good if it was rice). She’s over it now, but that took about 4
years. When we’d go shopping and she got mad at me she’d start repeating, “lima beans, lima beans, lima beans, lima beans”. I’d fire back “hotdogs, hotdogs” and “slimy fat noodles with chicken a-la-king”. We’d both start
getting queasy then silently finish our shopping and get the heck out of the
store. .

I would love it if you’d share any stories you have where a thing or smell affects you in a strange way. (IceAngel, I’ll be willing to bet you have a couple!)

What I’m learning---- From so many people….

So many family & friends praying & have my back ….

and So many strangers out there praying for me….

I carry a tremendous amount of guilt. Guilt of all the people that have sent me well wishes, prayers, cards, gift cards, food… Where the hell was I when YOU were going through a real rough time?

I always prayed for you. Always. But I never told you I was. And I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU. I know now the difference it could have made. You knowing I cared about you. I have learned a great lesson from you. I am thankful for that.

I still get cards & prayer cards, and I still cry each and every time I read them. Part from reality hitting again, but mostly knowing that 8 months later, you have not forgotten me, still care, and still pray. When I feel low or alone, I turn to those cards, re-read them and remember you are there for me. And yes, I cry all over again.

To the people that don’t know me, but are praying for me…

You have humbled me further.

(I’m still scared, so please don’t stop.)