Last one on tap

It is safe to assume, if I don’t post, I’m not feeling well.
The posts get farther between, because it is taking longer to recoup.

The last treatment on July 2nd not only put a big damper on 4th of July celebration, (mom took Sarah to see fireworks which she truly enjoyed – THANKS MOM!) but left me weaker then I’d ever been. My blood counts dropped like they have been only much faster, sooner & farther down. Pretty much as far as you can go, white blood down to Zero. My blood pressure dropped drastically. The doctor apparently didn’t want to worry me at the time, but when it came back up after a regimen of daily shots he expressed his relief and said how dangerously low it was getting. I could tell it wasn’t right. I couldn’t sit upright for 60 seconds with out the black outs starting with a fish bowl feel then a tunnel vision. Standing was a joke. I’d have to get up, get to the stairs and stop at the top & lay down. Go down the stairs & lay down on the couch at the bottom.

Heading into the next, the 6th, the (hopefully) last chemo treatment this Wednesday, not only is my stomach churning, and I’m having “total recall, memory tastes” (one can actually taste the injections. They are not pleasant and pretty much stick with me for the 3 weeks) I’m scared as well. Pains started coming back. Not pains from treatment side effects, but the same old pains in chest & in the arm where the lymph nodes were removed. I can’t help but wonder if this is all even working… I do try to remember to tell myself it is, but you just can’t help but wonder and be scared. I’m not scared for me. I’m scared for my family.

I’ve not gone to church for weeks (which doesn’t help me feel any better) either being way too tired which hits any moment and fast, or my counts are too low and I fear of catching something from the child that usually is behind us coughing. I defiantly get the guilts from not being there.

I’m feeling very anxious to get the show on the road for the other steps I need to take. I need to get “tumor markers”, I need to get radiation started quickly… I need to get ovaries out, but before I do that, I need to find a new doctor. I just don’t have the faith in my long time ob/gyn. There isn’t much time. Generally, by the time you s tart feeling a little better is when you have to get these other things rolling…

THANK YOU EVERYBODY that's hanging in there with me!!!