Clouded

I’m not too sure where my head is at these days. I think I’m stuck in the clouds somewhere. I’ve been on a sort of a “living spree”, just crossing the line of irresponsibility. Not in a self destructive way, just living life doing little things. Fun things. Shelving daily responsibilities and trading them in for the spur-of-the-moment. I’ve been in control and responsible for too much too long, I’m tired. I’m enjoying being spontaneous (with restrictions of course, yet somewhat impulsive). Even little things add up. They also subtract, from the pocket book. A few realties are starting to hit and bring me out of the clouds ever so slightly. Damn. That actually didn’t last very long. I still haven’t found that new balance.

I’m in the midst of usual rounds with doctor visits, and added new ones. I’ve found that Gerd / Acid Reflux is something to not be ignored. I’ve let mine go for so long. My regular doctor never mentioned any serious consequences of AR. In fact, My doctors always told me I just have a “nervous stomach”, a little Acid Reflux. Well a little DOES go a long way… It has gotten so bad, that it has severely corroded my esophagus, vocal chords (so that’s why I can’t hit the high notes like I used to), ear canals (an excuse for the hearing loss and frequent slight ear aches), and my sinus (which have felt stuffy non stop for over a year)… My LES (the opening to the stomach from so with the severity of AR/Gerd) doesn’t close much of the time, allowing everything to ‘come back up’. While lying down, it can come up and just sit in the esophagus. NASTY. So I will be having surgery at U of C to have part of my stomach wrapped around that LES opening to help it close. Hopefully my esophagus will then have a chance to heal…. AR / Gerd is a pretty common problem, and most don’t get this severe. Sometimes there aren’t any symptoms. At least, not that you think is out of the ordinary for you...

While this is going on, I’ve had the “same old” sharp pains I had when I suspected something serious was about to happen, before cancer was confirmed. They’ve been getting more frequent. On my last visit to the oncologist, he found a new “mass” and suggested I have it check out immediately. This is where the chain on my leg starts weighing me down, begins tugging and pulling me out of the clouds where I was enjoying merriment. I begin to wonder, if this is happening all over again… What will I do? I reason in my mind, I need the put the esophagus/stomach at the highest priority. Surly more chemo will make that problem worse as it did the first time. I have an appointment Thursday at U of C and will check that mass out. Am I getting ahead of myself? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not normally the type to freak out at every diagnosis or every little lump, bump, or minor surgeries… When I do get excited, I’m usually right. Best to start preparing.

As I write this, I realize, I’m not coming out of the clouds slightly. I think I’m on the express crash. I’m not digging reality tugging at me. It starts to remind me, that like it or not, I do still have responsibilities. Bills to pay, some kind of insurance to find, appointments to keep, trying to keep the house and everyone in it running more smoothly… It reminds me I’ve not done all the things I thought I wanted to accomplish. New things are continuously cropping up, and I start those, instead of finishing other projects I started… My writing has become sloppy. But I’m spending time with my daughter. Making memories. That’s more important to me then any other responsibility or project.