Sunday, June 13, 2010

Clouded



I’m not too sure where my head is at these days. I think I’m stuck in the clouds somewhere. I’ve been on a sort of a “living spree”, just crossing the line of irresponsibility. Not in a self destructive way, just living life doing little things. Fun things. Shelving daily responsibilities and trading them in for the spur-of-the-moment. I’ve been in control and responsible for too much too long, I’m tired. I’m enjoying being spontaneous (with restrictions of course, yet somewhat impulsive). Even little things add up. They also subtract, from the pocket book. A few realties are starting to hit and bring me out of the clouds ever so slightly. Damn. That actually didn’t last very long. I still haven’t found that new balance.

I’m in the midst of usual rounds with doctor visits, and added new ones. I’ve found that Gerd / Acid Reflux is something to not be ignored. I’ve let mine go for so long. My regular doctor never mentioned any serious consequences of AR. In fact, My doctors always told me I just have a “nervous stomach”, a little Acid Reflux. Well a little DOES go a long way… It has gotten so bad, that it has severely corroded my esophagus, vocal chords (so that’s why I can’t hit the high notes like I used to), ear canals (an excuse for the hearing loss and frequent slight ear aches), and my sinus (which have felt stuffy non stop for over a year)… My LES (the opening to the stomach from so with the severity of AR/Gerd) doesn’t close much of the time, allowing everything to ‘come back up’. While lying down, it can come up and just sit in the esophagus. NASTY. So I will be having surgery at U of C to have part of my stomach wrapped around that LES opening to help it close. Hopefully my esophagus will then have a chance to heal…. AR / Gerd is a pretty common problem, and most don’t get this severe. Sometimes there aren’t any symptoms. At least, not that you think is out of the ordinary for you...

While this is going on, I’ve had the “same old” sharp pains I had when I suspected something serious was about to happen, before cancer was confirmed. They’ve been getting more frequent. On my last visit to the oncologist, he found a new “mass” and suggested I have it check out immediately. This is where the chain on my leg starts weighing me down, begins tugging and pulling me out of the clouds where I was enjoying merriment. I begin to wonder, if this is happening all over again… What will I do? I reason in my mind, I need the put the esophagus/stomach at the highest priority. Surly more chemo will make that problem worse as it did the first time. I have an appointment Thursday at U of C and will check that mass out. Am I getting ahead of myself? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not normally the type to freak out at every diagnosis or every little lump, bump, or minor surgeries… When I do get excited, I’m usually right. Best to start preparing.

As I write this, I realize, I’m not coming out of the clouds slightly. I think I’m on the express crash. I’m not digging reality tugging at me. It starts to remind me, that like it or not, I do still have responsibilities. Bills to pay, some kind of insurance to find, appointments to keep, trying to keep the house and everyone in it running more smoothly… It reminds me I’ve not done all the things I thought I wanted to accomplish. New things are continuously cropping up, and I start those, instead of finishing other projects I started… My writing has become sloppy. But I’m spending time with my daughter. Making memories. That’s more important to me then any other responsibility or project.

5 comments:

soulMerlin said...

Take your time Carol and be cool about all this...easy to say and hard to do I think...but however your body will act or react is something that it will do whatever...so even if you are positive, it doesn't mean your body will respond in the way you want...but if you are negative or anxious, it is sure to react in a bad way.

In short there are no guarantees, as I'm sure you know, but a free and positive attitude can and will put the odds on your side.

While worrying yourself to distraction, you could get hit by a bus.

Each day is all we have

love

henry

ps: thanks for the visit to borderLines


xh

Carol said...

Ha ha ha ha ha tear ha ha ha
Thanks for making me laugh today Henry!
I agree with you on all points. I do know this, but need to be reminded now and again.
Thank you for that too. :-)

You have no idea how much your writing inspires me. There is so much more I’ve been dealing with then what I’ve written about (health & otherwise) and I’ve taken a hiatus from the “other thing” I do, but you’ve actually lit a fire under me to find the calm again so I can resume those other journeys.
Much gratitude to you my friend.

Kat Stephenson said...

Pipey...I knew something was going on with you. Dang...I love you. I've spent over 40 years with crappy sisters- then God smiled on me and gave me you, and Bee, and MJ, and Sixx...sisters to love. Since our connect with Chemo Brain in the TMB, you have been in my head and my heart.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Cancer does SUCK! Every moment is a gift, and anything that reminds us that our days are counted should be considered a gift. (biblical) Most of us start to believe that when our children are born, and we see life a little different. You are a prime example of that. When your daughter was born you changed. I mean REALLY changed. You are the most amazing mother, and you will forever be your daughter's -as well as the rest of us- best example of how to live, fight, love, give, and feel- which is a gift in itself. Cancer has changed you, and you having cancer has forever changed me. You became even more than you were, which is hard to imagine, me - well, don't ask! But until Dimentia hits, my memory is indeed a long one - filled with laughter, tears, laughter through tears and everything in between, with you in the center! I still have the letter you sent to me in WA when you found out you were pregnant with your little girl. I will read it to her one day when we are old and you are catching up with me on the whole grandmother thing! Good Times are still ahead. Whatever they may be, small, simple, beautiful, wounderous times. All our love, thoughts and prayers, G

Anonymous said...

Hi Carol, who would of thought you have two Henry's as fans. I wrote to you how powerful your writing is, and continue to try and channel you positive thoughts, prayers, hope and strength.