Wednesday, April 23, 2008

For better or for worse

When you make the holy sacrament of marriage, the priest says “For better or for worse”, yet no one ever expects something life changing to happen to themselves or anyone in their household. I’d have expected it to be me taking care of Bobby with his back problems along all the abuse he puts his body through working so hard at work and at home…. But it isn’t working out that way right now. I’ve gotta say, he has really stepped up to the plate – accepted the figurative reigns & run with them – He is, without question, really shining. He has picked up slack at home, showered me when I couldn't do it myself, without making any sex jokes or "hey baby" moves! He hasn’t bitched once about stopping at store, or picking up medications, been incredibly supportive, positive and loving. He hasn’t faltered. Even though he had added stress of his father having a stroke (he found that out the same day I was having surgery for the medi-port installation), more car problems with both vehicles… I just can’t believe he hasn’t cracked yet.

I couldn’t be more pleased watching him become even more involved and growing closer to our daughter. Not that he didn’t do things with her before. He’s done many things with her. Boating, Jet skiing, snowmobiling, bicycle riding, roller-skating, playing polly-pockets (even though he made the boy rob the girl behind the cash register, he made it more interesting), planting gardens, playing video games, take her fishing, watching shows she wants to watch (Sarah & I both strongly agree his laugh is totally infectious), trying to help with homework (but could never do it quit the way mom could and he felt like a shut out minority living among 2 girls). He is putting forth more effort (and I’m stepping back to allow his efforts reach her, which was probably the biggest obstacle). I truly enjoy watching the interaction and am delighted their bond is getting stronger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bobby-
When we got married, I knew we would “share our lives”. But beyond living in the same house, sharing the bills, being friends (w/benefits), spending time together… On our wedding day, 15 years ago, it never crossed my mind something like this would happen and you would be there for me so much more then I could have ever thought. So often things we’ve been through, from our house fire, supporting all of us, to this, tear other families apart, but here you are, pulling us all closer together. You are struggling with this as much (or more) then I or Sarah. You have not once lost it, gotten upset or aggravated with me. You’ve kept your cool with our hormonal “t’ween” daughter. You are right there to say what I need to hear while trying to maintain some normalcy in our home for all of us.


They say a girl often marries someone like her father.
I would be proud if she finds someone, just like you.

I love you, “this much more then 10 minutes ago”.
~C~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

change of one med

Went in for my blood test Friday 18th and talked to the Oncologist. Don’t know how test came out… This place isn’t big on sharing the information in my folder. In fact, they GUARD the file like many other doctors’ offices do. I just don’t understand, if it’s YOUR file, your information, you paid for… what is the big secrete? At University of Chicago, they not only show you, they have copies ready for you, of everything. They don’t use the front folder flap to cover your reports if they see you are trying to glance over at it.

After telling the Oncologist how paralyzed I was the first week & how good for nothing I still was the 2nd week, he decided to try this week’s treatment without the Neulasta (which is the drug that forces your body to produce white blood cells to fight any potential infections). I’m happy that I may not have as much pain & trouble I had the last time, but I am extremely fearful of the potential for infection of any kind. From a cut, from food that may not be perfectly “kosher”, a cold… This is the time of year our allergies kick in and I more often then not end up with bronchitis or pneumonia. The ramifications of that are now frightening.
Next treatment – This Friday 25th.

music can change, when we change....


After the first chemo treatment, for the first few days I felt absolutely horrid.
All I could think of was Metallica’s "ONE "...
“…. Oh God please wake me…”
I didn’t want to, it just kept popping in there all by itself. Though I’m not a solder, I kept wishing this was all a bad nightmare and wanted to wake up.
Heading into my next treatment this Friday, I keep telling myself, HANG TOUGH.
For years, that song had me head banging in the car with the rest of ‘em,
But most recently it made me cry. Now it holds inspiration.
Listen here... Tesla - Hang Tough - Free FM
Watch it here... Tesla You Tube
Took a shot to the chin
Looks like you just can't win
In this do or die situation
And it's harder than it seems
To survive, keep alive and make your dreams,
Make your dreams all come true
“…….
But you can't let it bring ya down
If you should stumble, if you should fall
Pick yourself up off the floor
Fight for what's right and stand your ground
You gotta give it your best shot
Give it ev'rything you got
Oh, you gotta hang tough
Hang tough
When the goin' gets rough
Hang tough
You got to give it all you've got
Hang tough
Keep your head above the ground
Don't you let it get you down
Oh, you gotta hang tough
.
Again, thanks boys.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Ceremony – the cutting of the hair


What an event.
Anyone who knows me knows I’ve never had short hair since birth. MAYBE once it was at my shoulders. Last night, Sue came over to gracefully do the honors before the shedding begins. Bobby was front and center (with typical man comments, saying we should shave in some obscenities). Mom stood there with her eyes wider then usual and Sarah was eager to be part of it to make the first cut, of which we are sending the hunk to Locks-of-Love. Many women opt to just shave their heads. Kudos to them! I have balls, but just not that big. It’s short. I’ve never felt air on my neck before. Weird. Really, really weird. But dang cute. Did a good job sissy, Thanks!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

still tired


I’ve been quiet on this end, and I know a lot of people are worried and curious how things are going.

I did have my first Chemotherapy treatment Friday 4/4. The day after each therapy, I go to the hospital for a shot. The shot is supposed to increase the white blood cell count to help fight infections. Be it from a paper cut, scratch, illnesses others may carry or bring home or simply shaking hands in church.

Not only does every person have different reactions from chemotherapy, but there are also many other forms of medications of chemotherapy and many forms of administration of chemotherapy. Each have their own side affects, some have near none. Some are awful. The combo I’m on is
Adriamycin & Cytoxan + Taxotere (AC+T or TAC since I’m getting it all at once instead of 1st group of treatments then 2nd - standard treatment is ACx4 + Tx4 which means 4 treatments of AC then 4 treatments of T - I'm getting T AC x 6 all three for SIX treatments). Neulasta the next day.

Without going into too much detail (we all know how I can get carried away), yes there is pain. Quite a bit & different types. The bone & muscle pain, was exhausting in itself. Though I understood why it was there, it didn’t make it any easier to tolerate. The Taxotere kills the white blood cell count, while the Neulasta shot is designed to force your body to produce white blood cells. That could wreak havoc in your bones. Some pain is heightened when it’s scary because you aren’t sure what is going on. Pain of internal organs when you lean against a counter top or bend a certain way, and it feels like they are swollen and bruised. I started feeling better a week after initial treatment. However, it never really goes away. One day feels better, then the next, something else starts up. There doesn’t seem to be any pattern I have discovered yet. The tired and dizzy is always there. There isn’t much of a pattern with that either. I could be sitting for 2 minutes and get dizzy & tired and absolutely have to lay down or it could be an hour before I feel the dizzy & tired creep in. It bounces back and forth. No pattern. It’s been 11 days since the first treatment, and I still can’t trust myself in the shower. Turning to rinse off, is a good recipe for the drunk spins.

Another side affect, besides stringing out your nervous system, that is really scary is chemo brain. My daughter heard me mention it to someone over Easter. Tearfully she pulled me aside and asked “are you going to forget who I am mom?” Naturally I told her I could never forget her, because I just love her too much. But the seriousness of chemo brain, is still very real and very scary.

Would I know if I had it?
Uh…….

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Surprise!

Since Sunday, Sarah has been sick. Throat so sore she’d rather drool then attempt to swallow with a fever of 102 and the kind of earache that makes you not want to lay down even when you are exhausted… She’s been whimpering from the pain and shivering uncontrollably at nigh from the fever spiking (even on slightly higher dose of Advil) and we’ve been up for a good 4-5 hours during the last couple nights.

My left arm has been out of commission, but improving, then I had surgery on the RIGHT side to install a “medi port” under the skin directly into some big vein near the heart. I am, unable to do much movement with either arm…. Can’t dress myself well… tired from the last two sleepless nights trying to be a mom (which I wouldn’t trade for anything. Taking care of my daughter carries the highest reward & satisfaction I could ever ask for.)


Still in my pajamas, hair a total mess there’s a knock on the door…. And oh - my - GOD it’s two of my co-workers from Catalyst Exhibits. Allison & Kelly (Ken, check my spelling on one of these here!) Bearing Gifts. Everyone pooled together, checked on a special diet for Chemo patients, and had a couple weeks worth of food made up. They delivered it personally. And DAMN it smells good! I cannot tell you, how much this HELPS! In so many ways. It saves me from having to go to the store & lift things (you know, they don’t ask “Need help outside Maam?” when you actually really DO need help), it saves my husband from going, it saves us from cooking and cleaning afterward, and it really helps on the money front as well! There were also a wad of gift cards to a restaurant. The stack was quite large, I thought it was a deck of playing cards at first! I am humbled and very very thankful for what you have all done.

I noticed from day one of working at
Catalyst Exhibits, It's completely different. Everyone there is so much more then you’d expect. It’s truly like a family. A normal, fun at times, odd at times, family. I’ve never before seen anyone in a high stress high position that still really cares about the employees and takes the time to TELL you AND SHOW you. But they do. They are unlike anything you’d ever expect. Real. Human. Compassionate.

They don’t hide when a situation arises.
THEY RISE TO the occasion.
I can’t THANK YOU enough everyone at
Catalyst!
And I can’t wait to come back!