Thursday, June 12, 2008

I’m not as strong as you may think

But I really do appreciate the encouragement!

We’ve all seen the silly old 70's or 80's chick flick movie where the woman breaks down and sobs uncontrollably in the shower. I used to think that chick blubbering in the shower was a bit over the edge and overreacting, but now, I can identify with that woman. You want to be strong for people around you and your family. And damn it all if the only place you can be alone for 5 minutes and break down is the bathroom. And not always that long. There are days, I have a break down and sob uncontrollably. Snot running and all. In the shower (which is a good place because it actually hides the fact that you've got snot running) Or even sitting on the toilet (without the benefit of snot hiding, so a tissue is required).

I try to stay away from the doom & gloom on the blog. Which in all reality may tick off other cancer patients. And I’m sorry for that. But I’m just like the rest of you “survivors”. The reality of it is, I have days when all I think of is, I’m not going to make it. What happens to my family if I don’t? The odds aren’t that high that I’ll make it. My cancer is a serious, aggressive, fast spreading mutating cancer. Then I try to talk myself into, Yes, I CAN be one of those 23% or 40% or 8%. What ever percentage a research shows. Then I think, well, those percentages were the ones with stage I or II or low grade, while I have Invasive carcinoma, cribriform type, metastatic High Grade Stage III with extranodal extension (-30 nodes). And it’s really hard to feel otherwise when you feel so horrible. With odd pains you can’t even describe… to anyone. Regular daily or even sharp pain is non existent and replaced by, I don’t know what the hell this is. It’s almost a burn or a sting, but not quite. It just FEELS like a dead chunk of something. Dead cells, dead muscles or innards TRYING to function, but not quite up to the challenge. You don’t understand them and it scares you even more. You almost give up. I almost give up.


Then, a day comes when I feel a little better. And I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps and tell myself… ok enough. I CAN fight this. I’m not ready to go yet (though I know it’s a great place I’ll go to & I will come back and haunt (or talk to) you!) I’m not ready yet. I’m not done here.

I have some more learning to do.
I have some more teaching to do.
I have some more bitching to do.
And damn it. I want to do it. I want to do it right. Do it right & at a slow pace. I need more time for that. Damn it. I will claim that time I need. Or WANT.

The days when I shake my head at the research data and say to them "your research is screwed up or off" or "I’m different" may be farther between then they should be; But I do have those days when I’m SURE I’ll be one of the lucky ones to change those statistic percentages for the better.

Not sure if that makes me a “positive attitude” person or a person “in complete denial”.

14 comments:

gayle said...

Listen to me - You are as strong as we think, maybe just not as "independent" as you think. We ALL need something and/or someone, and you are the LAST one to say so - Until Sarah, of course. WHO else would run in a burning house after her pets, when she knows she needs to stick around for her daughter. You KNEW you could "do it all", O.K. so you did, well I know you would prefer the burning building to Cancer, but the confidence that you are coming out MUST stay the same - Listen - IT ALL MATTERS - your Faith, Your doctor, your treatments, your diet, your family, your attitude, your confidence - What did David say when he stood against Goliath? He KNEW God had been with him in the past, so that made him confident to face the future - and he won! SO WILL YOU! I LOVE YOU! It is necessary to feel everything, fear, doubt,anger, and loneliness in your fight, but it is more important to move beyond those things, when this is done, you will not be the same person you were ( actually, there will be no living with you!)But you will discover the person you were always meant to be ( and there is no living without you!)so please focus, not on the past, but on the future you will have, and how much more valuable all our lives will be because of this small space in time - however long it is. LOVE AND PRAYERS, ALWAYS!

Anonymous said...

I continue to pray for you and will do so with no let-up. Everyone has times when they feel what next? Try to keep strong even though there are times feel like saying stick it why me. You are an inspiration to me Carol don't lose hope now. Keep on plugging away!
RZ

cbarry said...

Hey. I'm with Gayle. We've both known you forever. You can do this, it's in you to get right through this. From what I've read the things you are feeling are normal, they are to be expected and if they are getting you way down then don't hesitate to get help. There are a lot of people out here who love you and have two perfectly good ears (ok in my case one) to listen to you purge the emotional poison that is building up. You don't need to carry the load on your own. You go ahead and keep crying in the rain (gotcha) or the shower or wherever, but remember to use your words too. Think of this as another infection that needs to be drained and for this you don't need to go to the hospital or pay. We're all waiting to help!

Ice Angel said...

Carol,

I was thinking about you the other day when I met a woman at Disney World. We were chatting and she is a breast cancer survivor, however, she had very early Stage 1. However, her sister had Stage 4 breast cancer and went through the horrible ordeal you are going through right now. The good news-she is doing GREAT now!!! It was so wierd because the woman I met reminded me SO much of you!!! Same sense of humor and spunk you have. I talked to her about you and she said she would pray for you and that you should keep on fighting! There is a lot of hope and you are young enough to beat the crap out of this thing! So keep kicking this cancer thing to the curb...you have way too much to do the rest of your life to give up, so when you have those days when you feel really down in the dumps, think about this woman and her sister. They are survivors and so are you!

Love,

Mary Mac

Carol said...

Gayle,
wow.
I certainly don't see myself the way you describe. You do have a talent for making a controlling bitch look good! I like it! Thank you.
Your words always make me tear up.
Love, C
(going into a burning building wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done, but, you'd have done it too!)

Carol said...

RZ (Rosie),
It so helps to know through out all of this I still have friends & family praying for me when I drop the ball.
Love,C

Carol said...

cbarry,
hmmmmm... crying in the rain. ask for help? Me? Can't Happen Here. Can it?.... Maybe if I get rid of the Midtown Tunnel Vision.(back at ya)
My words. My words come out best on paper. Or on the keyboard. And thanks again for finding a place where I can do that!
Love, C

Carol said...

ice angel,
You always make me smile! You manage to make me laugh or see hope. Thank you for that!
Love, C
P.S. I asked for a can of Redi Whip during the last picc line placement & they (nurses & doc) acted like I was just stupid. Think the younger ones don't get it.

Anonymous said...

Hi Carol~

Just sitting here thinking of you & hope you are doing a bit better. This has to be such a struggle for you Carol, I wish I could take some of the pain away. You are a wonderful, kind person & our Lord will get you through this. So many prayers are coming your way.

Just know you are loved & thought of many times through the day.
Love,
Tina

Carol said...

Tina,
Some days are easier then others. Honestly, the worst part mentally I think is the “mom guilt”.
Thank you for the prayers.
Love,C

Anonymous said...

Got some of the same complaints, life Sucks, the brain says ok, but don,t let the body do it. Its getting a little better? Hope too see yOU AT kIMS TOMARROW. Love POP,S

Carol said...

pops,
I know you are struggling too.
More typing & mouse moving.
Get those limbs a working!
Maybe this year you can work up to making more pickles. Your pickles are always fantastic!
Sorry I wasn’t there for the graduation. I just had treatment the day before. That’s another really hard thing for me… keeping myself in isolation. I don’t WANT to do it, but it prevents me from getting what’s normally a simple sickness, but could bring me to my end.
Love & prayers to you pops!
c

Anonymous said...

Dear Carol,
I admire you for your strength and courage during this difficult time. I keep praying for a miracle for you and only God know what and when it will occur. Love, Arlene

Carol said...

Arlene,
You gave me a great idea for a blog entry.
I thank you for your prayers. Our entire family (I mean all of us, not just my little unit) has been through some pretty interesting ordeals and tough trials in one form or another. God is with us and gives us strength – but I have to think some of our strength is our stubborn “gypsy” blood that keeps us going too!
We are not quitters.
Love, C