Saturday, October 18, 2008

Feeling The Burn

I guess there’s two burns.
Radiation. (pictures below if you want to skip down with out reading)

And it seems Bobby’s night job is coming to a close. Sounds like the rest of the building is done. Thanksgiving or Christmas and he should be done there. So, that burn is on him.

I frequently am asked if I'll return to work. I want to. I enjoy working outside of the house. Yet there is a big part of me that is absolutely terrified I'll be wasting precious time sitting behind a desk when I should be enjoying my family while I still can. But I may not have a choice in that matter.

Radiation is almost over. Then a few doctor appointments and I start on medication to…. Help…. Prolong….. life…… (damn. That is really hard to say. Prolong.) With all the turmoil of driving to various therapies on a daily basis coming to a close, I sit back and think…. What do I do now? I’ve grown accustomed to this new way of life and I don’t know how to act anymore. I don’t know how to be normal anymore. I don’t know what normal even is anymore. What am I going to do? What am I supposed to do?

I’m heading into new confusing waters of the unknown. Where there are no guarantees.

Effects of radiation…. so far
Draw backs, yes. Especially with the price of gas. Thank God for all of us it has come down almost a dollar in the past weeks.

The pictures below show the burns that occur with radiation. Yes, they give you cream. It’s more a regular lotion with an oily feel to it. Did it help? Maybe it would have if I was a bit more diligent with it. I used it couple times every day, but that’s just not enough. Perhaps it’s the dose I received.

Does it hurt? It was uncomfortable, and now hurts more. Especially when the seat belt hits the spot on my shoulder. It’s not like a sun burn. It’s more like…. Have you ever scraped a large area of skin off, almost like road rash… forgot that scrape was there, touched it and it hurt in a burn sort of way? Or washed that area and it burned? It feels more like that. There's spots where it hurts to the bone.

But, I’ll take radiation any day over chemotherapy. Hands down.

Aren't I embarassed about showing everyone the girls? Showing boobs doesn't seem bother me as much as posting my face on the internet. Actually, it's really amazing the things we get used to. A lot of people have looked at the girls in the past 9 months.


Robin Easton said...

You are very courageous and write with such integrity and dgnity. I am moved to tears because you inspired me. No, I don't have cancer, but you STILL inspire me beyond words. I am thinking of you and holding you in my thoughts and prayres.

Reading this I can't get over how filled with Life you are. Your soul radiates strength and determination and vitality. Your honesty also is very refreshing. I like that.

Know that you are not alone. I am truly thinking of you and with you in spirit.


Carol said...

Now you've brought tears to MY eyes with your strong conviction. Happy tears. Thank you.
I'll be honest, while I'm in no way giving up on life, I'm near prepared to... "move on". As I become more accepting of that reality, I notice, I'm enjoying life so much more. With new eyes.
Thank you for inspiring ME!

Makinart said...

Found you because of Robin.
I could talk forever about approaches to help your healing. However I am glad you are strong and writing. This blog will touch many lives. Re: your comment about working, consider options that may include part time work, mystery shopping, short term demo products, and short term merchandising. Being with your family and friends now matters most! You do have choices. Also if you want ideas about how to cut a tight budget and still live abundantly...I got lots to talk about that too! Perhaps you or your mate could care for 1 or 2 children in your home.

So I send practicality and love to you. Mary MacIntyre

soulMerlin said...

Hi Carol ~ I'm in a really bad internet area this week, so sorry it's been a couple of days to get to your blog. Thank you so much for visiting Reflections and your comment.

It's really great that you are posting about this. I think the worst thing in the world would be to bottle everything up...that in my opinion would produce the tensions that would keep the cancer active. Keep telling your body it will get well and your body will respond...but then you are doing this anyway...and I'm sure your body is getting the message.

I am sure that all of us are rooting for you and sending out positive thoughts and that can be incredibly powerful indeed.

Every day is precious and so many people drift through their lives ~ at the moment, I'd love to retire, but I can't afford to....I'd love to because there is so much I still want to experience. So, if you can afford it in some way...enjoy life. I wish I had done more of that myself, when I was ambitious for theatre success - in gaining some material recognition, I missed so much that was really important.



ps: thanks about the legs :)

Anonymous said...

I've done my BEST to try and keep up with all that's been going on but the one thing that jumped out at me was treatments were coming to an end???????????????????????????????????

If that's what I picked up on then GOOD so I sense it becomes a wait and see scenario?

Oh, and the Unks completely understands about the dignity part taking a hike. LOLOL

Love ya in Christ

Carol said...

Mary / Makinart:
Thanks so much for your words of support. And I would love, LOVE to hear your ideas on cutting down an already tight buget! I'm out of ideas and always looking for more!