Saturday, August 9, 2008

Alternate Reality hits a Milestone.....

I’ve never been one to get wound up about finding a tumor. (I’ve had plenty removed in my time.) I went with the flow, had it removed; always assumed it would be nothing to worry about. Others around me would get excited and up in arms about it, but I was always the cucumber. Why worry until you have to? When I first found out I had cancer, I actually remained quite cool about it. I wasn’t surprised. Until I learned more detail. The
aggressiveness & severity.
The dreaded outcome and odds of something this aggressive. THAT surprised me. I really despise that word. Cancer. There are days when I realize I have it and I really really can’t believe it’s happening to me. It’s much like an alternate reality. I think that word should not be associated with me one bit! Not me or anyone around me. Family or friends. It just doesn’t happen to me. Each time I type “that word” I get queasy. I honestly feel like I might blow chunks.

So, in this alternate reality I’m living, that can’t really be my life, a milestone has been achieved. I made it through 6 rounds of TAC chemotherapy and so far I’m still here. I’m not feeling the greatest, but I can honestly say now, I’ve felt worse. With more shots, my CBC came up to a pretty good level, therefore I ventured out to store (with less fear of catching something) with Sarah for school supplies. I was completely wiped out by the time we got home. I had a CT scan yesterday, 4 testes in all, 2
bottles of berry smoothie barium (yum? Not really, but I’ve tasted worse), 3 shots of dye, which I could hear the squirting sounds as it was being injected, then the hot feeling rushed in. Not unbearable, but it wiped me out. I got home, changed clothes and flopped on the bed. I could have slept through the night even though it was only 4:00 when I let my eyes close.

Of course, I’m nervous what the scan may or may not find. It’s a
vicious circle. If they find something, I’ll be totally crushed. If they don’t, I’ll sit and wonder if there really was something there, but it was missed or too small for them to catch, and then by the time another test is done it will
be too late, it will have grown, and I’ll be crushed. If I had a less severe form of canc…((( choke )))… this disease, maybe I’d be thinking a little differently. Maybe I wouldn’t.

Getting close to the 3 week mark of what would normally be another treatment on tap, but being done with them, I’m looking forward to feeling better with each passing day. I may get knocked down a few pegs near the
end of this month when I get the ovary surgery and start radiation. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. My brain is thirsting to go back to
work. Yet, it gets tired and peters out rapidly still. If I were to try to go back today, someone would probably find me staring blankly into space with in 30 minutes and later my face planted in the keyboard inside and hour. I’m not sure what affect radiation is going to have on energy, concentration, and scheduling of my time. That’s the same bridge that is currently under construction.

Can’t cross it till it’s built.

7 comments:

C. said...

Congrats on the last treatment in this stage. I am so happy for you and proud of you too. It's been a long haul for you, for all of us. I'm keeping everything I can crossed that the scans come back clean. Keep us posted. Love you. C.

Anonymous said...

CONGRATS. ON THE LAST TREATMENT. FINGERS ARE CROSSED HERE FOR A CLEAN SCAN TEST. LET ME KNOW HOW EVERYTHING TURNS OUT. IF NEED ANYMORE INFO. ABOUT SCHOOL OR ANYTHING LET ME KNOW. I'M A PHONE CALL OR TEXT DOWN THE STREET.(LOL). YOU ARE IN MY AND MY MOMS PRAYERS. SO FAR EVERYTHING IS GOING JUST THE WAY I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
S.

Ice Angel said...

Hey Girl! I am so excited for you that you have had your last round of that horrific chemo. You are one tough lady, so keep it up. Now is when that positive attitude and faith in God will really kick in along with all of our prayers. I know you worry about future stuff, but I hope you are able to enjoy "today" that much more because you know that you won't be going for another round tomorrow! YEAH!!!

We can't wait to have you back at work either. Things have been kind of wierd, if ya know what I mean. We all miss you and think of you all the time. Keep up the good work and try to enjoy the rest of this beautiful summer the best you are able!

Mary Mac

Anonymous said...

Hey Carol,
I hope things are going well!
I'm glad to hear that you're done with chemo...
My mom has just been diagnosed with Breast cancer and has only gone through one treatment and has a shit load more to go. Its been rough and she's had a hard time with it, but if it gets rid of it it's worth it. I know your scan will turn up clean and hopefully you'll be back at work soon.
PS. Susan quit!!
Cassie

Carol said...

Cassie,
Thanks so much for keeping up with me (and for the books you sent months ago!)
I am so so sorry to hear about your mother’s diagnosis! Since it is new to her, she may not want to talk to other people about it yet, but I did find, talking to strangers can be easier then talking to your own family. Sometimes sitting down & taking your time typing out what you want to say is even easier…. I added a great site to vent on & get information from (at bottom of main page) & she can connect with women specifically in Illinois. Most of them are up here by us! They are understanding and super supportive. Also, be sure to tell her, to not research the subject to death. It is disconcerting and quite bewildering. It can really bring one down reading that stuff and instills a hopelessness.
~carol~
P.S. I'M SHOCKED !!!

P.P.S. BTW - CONGRATULATIONS MAMA !!!

Carol said...

Mary:
OMG - I can't wait to come back to work & get the DIRT? (and expand my mind again too)
Thanks Mary!
~carol~

Carol said...

C and S
THANK YOU!!!!!